


Stuck in the middle

by supealavigne



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gen, Obsession
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-03
Updated: 2016-02-03
Packaged: 2018-05-18 01:36:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5893066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supealavigne/pseuds/supealavigne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Insecurity is not just a feeling anymore, it has become an obsession that haunts him whatever he does, wherever he goes. Every relationship is as delicate as a flickering candle light in a windy night.<br/>He wishes someone would be there beside him for who he truly is, not knowing that there already are.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stuck in the middle

He has no intention of forgetting that day. The day his father left.

He was just a kid. Hell, he was a 8-year-old kid when it all happened. His family was no more than a normal household in the block. His parents managed to bring him and his sister up with minimum wage; however, one day, his father said he had had enough.

He remembered the fights quite well. Sometimes he was in his room trying to sleep when a noise of a dish thrown to the floor. Then his mother screamt and cried. His father said something he didn't want to figure out. He remembers sobbing and quietly sneaking into his sister's blanket, who was also shaking from fear. The little boy curled up in his sister's arms; to him, that was the safest shelter ever. Sometimes the argument had broken out even before he got home after school. He and his sister were about to open the door and walk into their house when his father started shouting and cursing, voice hoarse from all the alcohol he consumed. They exchanged a silent look of bitter understanding, then left the house that were supposed to be their haven for the river bank. Normally the two kids would come home late that evening, telling lame lies of some fake school stuffs. Normally their mother just sighed and set the dining table for them in silence. And normally their father would spare them a single look before guide his grumpy eyes back to his TV.

Their father never yelled at them, no matter how upset he was.

The day his parents decided to seperate, his sister cried her heart out at the usual river bank. He was sitting beside her, tears pooling up in his innocent eyes. He tried hard not to cry because then, it was decided that he would be the only male in the house. Although he was only 8.

No more than a mere kid.

_"Will you ever come back?"_

_\---_

Now here he is, bathing in the spotlight of the Tokyo Dome stage, along with his 4 fellow idols. This place is extremely huge for his skinny figure. The sight of fans waving and screaming for the five of them is overwhelmed. It is, no matter how many times he looks at it.

He is now Arashi's Ninomiya Kazunari, a national idol. A person loved by millions of people, a face that appears on TV almost everyday. The tickets of their concerts are sold out within hours.

He is huge now.

But his mind isn't.

He admires the sight before his eyes for a split second. On the next, he shouts into the microphone on his hand.

_"IRASSHAIMASE ~"_

\---

"That was fantastic guys!" MatsuJun joyfully says when they are all in backstage. The sight of the arena packed with people was gone.

The members and staff and juniors all cheer in union for another night of success. They enjoyed the concert just as much as the fans did. They had the time of their life. This is the result of weeks of exshausting training after all.

Ninomiya, as usual, is the first one to leave after the dinner. For some reasons, he never stays even though he has nothing to do the day after that. He always leaves the party as the most sober one.

He doesn't eat much. He doesn't get drunk. The only thing he enjoys about the party is that he is able to spend time with his precious friends. He cannot afford being left alone after drinking too much. He is afraid that if he can't control his alcohol consumption, he will end up snapping his eyes open in a place where there is no one around. He is always the first to leave because it's easier this way than seeing someone leaving before his eyes. And by doing this they always have something interesting to talk about his stinginess on their shows.

He is lonely. Most of the time. The feeling gradually fade away when he is with Arashi, but their time together is just not enough to elimimate the fear. Ninomiya on screen appears to be a cheerful and bratty and cutie idol, but no one ever registers that he has been keeping that deep dark fear in his heart since that very day. The day that put an end to everything that belonged to a kid named Kazunari.

\---

"Kazu, you're home," his sister opened the door with a bright smile on her face. She has always been like this, pretty and deeply caring. Just like his mother.

"I'm here," he replied with an equally genuine smile, "Is mom home?"

"She is preparing the dinner," the woman steps aside to let Kazunari in, "Oh and my husband and son are in there too. It's been a long time, right?"

Before he can say anything, a small figure rushes towards him with a cheerful voice, "Kazu-jiichaaaan, I miss you so much." The cutie little boy lands in his uncle's arms, hanging onto him like a koala. An older man appears at the doorframe, "Hey young man, can't you see your uncle hasn't taken his shoes off yet? Good evening, Kazunari-san."

"Good evening," he grins and nods at his brother-in-law, then looks down at the koala-look-a-like still holding him tight, "Miss me or miss my DS you little brat?"

Kazunari smiles at everything in his house. There is warmth, there is grace, there is peace. He already feels at ease even though he has not gotten in any deeper than the genkan. The smell of beautifully cooked dinner hits his nostril. He quickly gets his nephew on his back and walks into the kitchen, smiling wide at his beloved mother.

"Mom, I am home."

The family gathering is alwayswarm and enjoyable. There he is no longer Nino the famous idol; he is simply little Kazu-chan of his beloved mother and sister. No matter how famous he is, under this roof, he feels completely safe.

Which means, once he steps out of the house, he will have to put up mask and hat again, in order not to be seen by paparazzis. He will feel all lonely and exposed again. The thought sends a shiver to his spine.

"What's wrong, Kazu?" Asks his mother.

"Nothing," Kazunari shakes his head lightly and continues munching his fishball.

\---

"Nino, good morning," Sakurai smiles at him when he walks through the door. The mother hen is sipping on his morning coffee and reading newspaper as usual.

"Morning," Ninomiya waves back cheerfully.

"Sho-chan, Nino, morning!" Aiba storms in, followed by still-wearing-sunglasses Matsumoto Jun. After a few minutes, Ohno arrives with a yawn.

They do their morning routines before their rehearsal starts: Sakurai with his newspaper and coffee, Ninomiya with his DS, MatsuJun texting with his friends, Aiba doing some warm-ups and morning exercises, Ohno trying to continue his dream which was interrupted by his manager 30 minutes ago. They exchange some short conversations and go straight back to what they are doing. It feels so natural to all of them. Almost.

But Ninomiya.

In their teenage days, they were dynamic and full of energy. They could talk about any topic randomly with highest tension and joke around like real brothers. As time goes by, they grow older and even Aiba has gotten to control his frequency of talking. They are as close as they once were, just in another form, another time, another age. That's how the other four interpret the situation. But Ninomiya needs more than that.

He wants the four to laughing and running like they used to do. He wants to make fool of himself like the old days. He wants the conversations to stream smoothly like they once did.

However, he never vocalizes these wishes.

Instead of growing old and mature, both his appearance and mind seem to stuck in the middle of age 17. They say that it is Aiba who is the idiot, but Ninomiya knows that he is not. Aiba is growing mature, he is getting more and more handsome and attractive. Same goes to Ohno, who is always considered to be out-of-earth. Leader gives out a calm aura even in the toughest situation and that really helps them loosen the tense atmosphere. MatsuJun, aging like fine wine, no need to explain further. His skills in organizing stuffs and producing concerts are getting better day by day. Sakurai is growing to be more perfect as each day passes by. He sets the idea of perfection so high that no one can reach.

Compared to them, Ninomiya is the most inferior. He doesn't have the brilliant brain of the Keio graduate. He doesn't have that bright and attractively wrinkly smile of the sunshine. He cannot sing as well as the lead vocal of the group. He doesn't even grow old, let alone be sexy and charismatic like MJ.

He doesn't have anything.

He is afraid of the day when the members grow bored of his bratty persona and finally leave him behind. He is afraid of the day their Juniors become more famous than them and Arashi is just a mere name of long-lost history. If the day really comes, how would he survive?

Human contact is like oxygen to him. And he needs the idol mask to make sure that he has someone beside him. It's already suffocating him just thinking about it.

Without realizing, he sheds a tear.

"What happened, Nino?"

Sakurai is the first one to notice. Ohno and Aiba have already left for photoshooting. MatsuJun looks up from his phone and his expression is somewhat between surprise and panic. He himself is a part of the crybaby team, yes, but Ninomiya never cries unless the script tells him to, even when Aiba read that famous letter of his, Ninomiya was the only one who remained smiling until the end of the program.

"Nothing," Ninomiya fumbly wipes the tears away, "It's just, god, I think I should close the window."

MatsuJun approaches him, Sakurai follows. It feels like they are pitying him.

"I'm fine, just," Ninomiya uses his arms to wipe the tears completely away, but a new stream has managed to escape his eyes.

"What happened, Kazunari?", MatsuJun kneels beside the couch. Ninomiya insists on shaking his head and repeating the phrase "I'm okay, just go".

But when MatsuJun really has to go to to have an interview, Ninomiya feels lost. Different from Matsumoto, Sakurai hasn't uttered a word until now, and from where the gamer was curling, he can't see Sakurai's expression.

"Nino," the older finally calls, "Do you need some time for yourself?"

He neither steps closer nor backs away. He simply asks. And whatever Ninomiya's answer may be, he knows the mother hen will agree willingly.

"... Yes," Ninomiya stutters. _No, please don't. I can't afford you leaving me too_. His mind screams at the same time.

"Okay," he doesn't ask if Ninomiya is sure. He simply confirms the information with a gentle voice.

Contrary to his earlier statement, Sakurai takes a step closer to the human ball on the couch. He gently takes away the poor DS that has been clutched tightly by Ninomiya's frustrated fist and replace it with his own soothing hand.

"... What are you doing?" Ninomiya says out of surprise.

"Giving you time for yourself," Sakurai replies with a smile, even though Ninomiya can't see it, "I will just sit here, this couch seems to be more comfortable, don't you think? And warmer as we two are sitting together here."

"Sho-chan, I," Ninomiya can't complete his sentence as he hiccups, "Sorry."

"For what?"

"For making you worry."

"And why are you sorry for it?"

"I'm so selfish?", Ninomiya says with an unsure tone.

"Aren't we all?"

Ninomiya finally looks up with his tear-streaked face. Sakurai is still smiling warmly, taking this chance to capture the skinny figure with his embrace. He quietly pets Ninomiya's fluffy hair.

"Sho, I, I don't deserve this," Ninomiya outright cries into Sakurai's shoulder, "I doubt our relationship. You guys shine so bright and I, I just can't... God, I hate myself, Sho! And the world will hate me too if they see me ugly like this. I'm so ugly, so desperate, I-"

He stops because the tears keep flowing nonstop. The hand in his hair keeps petting him, pushing his emotions all out. The other remains silent.

"I should have been alone at the beginning. I should have quitted Arashi before- before you guys grow to be so dear to me," he keeps blabbering and pouring his heart out, "My father left me. My childhood time ceased as I saw him leaving, Sho. It broke me. My classmates hated me. They bullied me and I had no one there to protect me. I couldn't bother my mother and sister. I had to be bold enough for them to rely on. The world hated me, Sho."

Sakurai's head moves slightly against Ninomiya's hair as if he wants to deny what Ninomiya says. He whispers into Ninomiya's ears ever so lightly, "No, Nino. No."

"I'm so useless, Sho," Ninomiya clutches his fist and grabs the other's shirt tight, "I should have died, no, I shouldn't have been born."

At this rate, Sakurai cannot bear it anymore. Seeing one of his best friends broken like this is like a knife stabbed right at his heart. He tightens his embrace and kisses the smaller one's hair half gently, half fiercely affectionately. Ninomiya curls himself into an even smaller human ball as if it was possible, sobbing messily.

“You always care about us. You always complete your tasks wonderfully.”

“Because if I don’t, they will leave me. _You_ will leave me.”

“You never leave us. Even when your future, your dream is just right there in front of your eyes, you chose us. You could have been a huge Hollywood star, Nino,” Sakurai places another kiss on his hair lovingly, “But you chose to be Arashi’s number 1 fanboy instead.”

“I-“

“Remember Mago Mago Rowing Club? You were our utmost leader when rowing. You kept us moving in sync beautifully,” Sakurai keeps whispering, “It was you who complained the most but it was you, too, who supported us the most. You act tough. You appear to be bratty and funny on screen. But you are the one who is suffering the most.”

Ninomiya quietly sobs as Sakurai tells him the stories about him that are long forgotten, or to be more exact, the stories that are buried deep down by the constantly haunting fear of his. He listens to the stories of his own life, of how he painfully broke up with his girlfriend when the scandal broke out for the sake of Arashi, of how meaningful and touching his solo songs are and how they actually saved a life, of how relationship between Sakurai and Matsumoto was healed thanks to the silent help of his, of how effortlessly he put an end to a argument that threatened to be a real fight among them. The stories he has never taken into consideration.

The stories that he thought wouldn’t matter to anyone.

“You mean that much to us,” Sakurai ends the chain of events with a simple sentence. Then, as if seeing something interesting, his plump lips form a smile, “So much that those idiots actually left their respectful jobs to come back here.”

At first he doesn’t understand what Sakurai means. When the embrace is loosened just enough for him to turn around, he is taken aback by the sound of footsteps rushing towards their green room. He turns to look at Sakurai, eyes still red. The older man just nods as a silent agreement with whatever Ninomiya is about to say.

Of course Matsumoto Jun had to finish his interview within three brief minutes. Of course Matsumoto Jun had to call the other two because “There are some big problems”. Of course Ohno Satoshi and Aiba Masaki, also known as Ninomiya’s ultimate best friends, immediately rushed out of the studio with the make up still on.

“What are you guys-“, Ninomiya stutters. His face is now a complete mess of tears and ugly wobbly chin.

“He is really crying,” Aiba mumbles. The tall man looks frightened and exhausted from running too fast, “Nino-chan, what happened?”

The sight of Ninomiya crying is not something can be seen everyday. Three members at the door seem to be hyptonized by the fact that Ninomiya is crying in Sakurai’s arms when there are no cameras around. The center of attention finally understands the situation, his face burns red although it is already the same color of a tomato. He buries his face in Sakurai’s chest, unable to say anything.

“You won’t get money for the photoshoot that you left halfway,” his tiny voice is muffled by the fabric of Sakurai’s shirt.

“Don’t cry, Nino-chan,” Aiba rushes to the couch and snatches the smaller figure from Sakurai’s embrace, “I will buy you dinner tonight so don’t cry, okay?”

He swallows the last tear inside, turns to face Aiba and playfully says with his usual bratty face, “Better be in an expensive Italian restaurant.”

“I don’t know any restaurants serving better Italian dishes than MatsuJun,” Aiba grins brightly as he feels a hands with silver rings placed on his shoulder.

“Don’t forget Leader’s famous fish cooking skills. Tonight it will be a party with Arashi’s specialty!” Matsumoto enthusiastically says, pulling Ohno closer to the bunch of men on the couch.

“So I suppose Sho-chan will take responsibility for the cleaning-up, won’t he?” he replies, arms gathering all the members into a group hug.

Ninomiya giggles as they are held close. Ohno is on the outside of the group hug. Then Sakurai. Matsumoto and Aiba are directly hugging him. Ninomiya is in the middle of the group, he fully receives the warmth from the others. He can feel their heartbeats, he can feel their breaths tickling his skin. They are so close, their limbs are entangled in a human mess.

Ninomiya finally understands.

_He is loved. For who he really is._

**Author's Note:**

> I feel this so much I cried at my every own work. This is unbeta-ed and posted right after I finish it, I never had the chance to recheck so if you can spot any silly mistakes please tell me.


End file.
